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My Two Year Old is Trying to Kill Me

True Confessions of Stay-at-Home Dad Pete Gilbert

True Confessions of Stay-at-Home Dad Pete Gilbert
July 2012

At home, he spills his sippy-cup on the floor. I then walk into the room, unknowingly stumbling into a puddle of 2%. Every one of his toys has wheels. Henry leaves his toy cars, motorcycles, dump trucks, garbage trucks, jeeps, excavators, and "bulldoze-ze-zers" all over the house. Every time I round the corner of my house to break up a verbal spat, or soothe my baby, my feet hit a set of wheels and off I go.

At the playground, he narrowly escapes children swinging as he darts in and out of their paths coming within inches of taking a Croc to the face. He only goes down slides face-first and climbs ANY part of the equipment regardless of its recommended use. These behaviors raise my blood pressure and are certain to make me drop dead of a heart attack at the playground. If this happens, just bury me right there in the sandbox.

While I'm driving, Henry is constantly asking me for toys, drinks, windows up, more music, windows down, anything he can to keep my focus OFF the road.

So far, these tactics have proven unsuccessful; now he's trying to get his mother to kill me. If something happens to him during the day while she's at work, I will get the blame and she will snuff me out for him. This must be what he is thinking when he falls off of shopping carts, leaps out of his moving stroller, and sprays his own eyes with sunscreen.

It's all a plot. It's all a plan. I now sleep with both eyes open, one eye looking for my son to walk in the bedroom door and the other eye on my wife pretending to be sound asleep.

Happy Parenting!

Tags: Parenting, Toddler

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